The Scoreboard We Don't Realize We're Playing
I've been working with a client who struggles with social anxiety. He's been pushing himself to put himself out there, but every interaction feels like a risk.
"What if I make things awkward?" he said. "I'd have to deduct a point from my scoreboard."
That phrase stopped me cold. We're treating life like a game where we can only lose points.
The Mental Trap
Here's how the game works in our heads:
Make a mistake → minus one point
Say something awkward → minus one point
Show vulnerability → minus one point
Ask for help → minus one point
Truth be told, I'm guilty of all of the above. At one point, my imaginary scoreboard was definitely in the negative. And it seems many people fall into this same mental trap.
We judge ourselves harshly for every misstep, only celebrating when we see clear progress or results. But since most things take multiple attempts to succeed, each goal becomes excruciating to pursue.
This is why so many people give up right before they're supposed to break through.
The more "mistakes" we make, the lower our score gets. We become terrified of trying anything risky—which basically means anything new.
We get stuck wanting to improve but being too afraid to try anything new because we might lose more points.
We think our score is already low. Why would we keep doing things that take away our remaining points? It would make us feel even less worthy.
You lose when you try. You also lose when you don't try.
It's a losing game.
What If We Flipped the Rules?
My client and I started wondering: what if we added points instead of subtracting them?
One of the most important pieces of advice I received from friends and mentors is: "Try it and give yourself proper credit for that."
I think it's crucial for us to be fair to ourselves. We usually focus on what's wrong and ignore what's right. Instead of giving ourselves credit for doing something uncomfortable, we judge ourselves for making mistakes.
Imagine what you'd say to a friend: "I'm proud of you," "You at least gave it a shot," "You learned something from it."
But what do we tell ourselves? "That was embarrassing," "I should know better by now," "I'm not cut out for this."
Of course we're afraid to try again. Anyone receiving that kind of feedback would be afraid and look down on themselves.
So what if we learned to give ourselves proper credit when we try something?
New scoring system:
Instead of -1 for making a mistake → +1 for trying (most people don't even try)
Instead of -1 for saying something awkward → +1 for learning what doesn't work (valuable data)
Instead of -1 for being emotional → +1 for being honest and respecting your needs
Suddenly, you literally cannot lose this game.
Why This Matters to Me
I've been pushing myself lately too—going to meetups alone, trying new social situations despite my anxiety. And I've been harsh on myself when these didn't lead to the friendships I hoped for.
But when I told a friend about this, he said: "I'm really proud of you, Home. You knew it would be uncomfortable, but you did it anyway. That's more than enough."
That's when I realized: I'd been judging myself for being human instead of embracing it.
The Question That Changes Everything
Instead of "Did I succeed?" try asking "Did I try?"
The willingness to be imperfect, to not have it all figured out—that's not weakness. That's the most human thing you can do.
And maybe that's exactly what the world needs more of.
Try it for a week: every time you catch yourself subtracting points, flip it. Notice what changes.
What would change if you started adding points instead of subtracting them?
You're not alone in this, and there's hope on the other side of reaching out.
If this resonates with you and you're ready to take that next step—but feel like you could use some support along the way—I'd love to help. As someone who's walked this path from isolation to connection, I understand how scary and overwhelming it can feel to start opening up again.
Sometimes, having a guide who truly gets it makes all the difference. If you're curious about working together to build your communication skills and create the meaningful connections you're craving, click here to schedule a call with me. You don't have to figure this out alone.
